Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Need A Vacation? Start Here!

Wednesday, April 8th, 2020

 

Hey, enough with this Staycation we’ve all got going on. What we need is a real vacation or the next best thing–a great story to sweep us into fun in the sun, romance, adventure and a great time with sparkling, witty, sexy and even some dangerous people who just might be trying to kill us.

My new romantic suspense novel, A BUSINESS AFFAIR, is available today in eBook and trade paperback at all online booksellers.

I LOVE THIS BOOK!

Hope you will too, Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmelinda

BITTEN: Confessions of a Menopausal Vampire Chosen for Publishers Weekly BookLife “Best First Line”

Wednesday, May 29th, 2019

From: May 27, 2019 Publishers Weekly BookLife

Section: First Lines–A monthly look at some of the best first lines by BookLife authors.

 

 

BITTEN: Confessions of a Menopausal Vampire

MELINDA RUCKER HAYNES

BookLife Best First Line from BITTEN:  “Waking up alone was no surprise.”

 

 

Undead in Seattle. Kristen’s fiancé Rick turns into Houdini and pulls a disappearing act. Now years later her husband deserts her for a younger woman. Disgusted with life itself, menopausal to boot, she doesn’t know what to do when Rick turns up—still young and handsome. Against her better judgment, but with her hormones going haywire, she accepts a date, and finds herself waking up in the morgue as an illegally made vampire.

Rick must hide his mistake or everyone dies. But Kristen refuses to go quietly undead into the dark, because her age, lack of estrogen and other physical and mental anomalies make her a very unusual powerful vampire with none of the limitations. And she has a bucket list a mile long of people who have done her wrong, and an eternity for payback.

Get BITTEN at Amazon.com and other online retailers.

Shocking Interview with the Menopausal Vampire

Thursday, March 28th, 2019

The Menopausal Vampire was interviewed on her birth/undeath day March 13, 2019 by the wonderful fantasy romance author Mary Morgan. I’ve taken the liberty of further interviewing the Menopausal Vampire, post book debut, for clarification. Her responses to my questions are in parentheses and are unedited, straight from the Menopausal Vampire’s smart mouth.

 

MaryM:     What is your full name?

Kristen: Kristen Nielsen Ottiosman. (I’d like to explain the odd last name as my creator, Melinda Rucker Haynes, not my Maker, couldn’t make up her mind about my ex-husband’s last name. To her mind, a character’s name is symbolic of the character’s inner landscape or soul. I don’t know about that, but what I really believe is that she’s inflicted me with men, or her words–composite character types, she’s known. So she made up the name from the word OTIOSE: futile, ineffectual, useless. Gotta say that word really describes Billy Ottiosman, my soon-to-be ex-husband.)

MaryM:   What is one word that best describes you?

Kristen: Undead/Menopausal (Pretty much the same thing, IMO.)

MaryM:      Do you think the author portrayed you accurately? If not, please explain why.

Kristen: She thinks so, and I find that hilarious. (I think she’s really writing about herself–HA!)

MaryM:      What makes you laugh out loud?

Kristen:  A certain former love-of-my-life, now international corporate vampire, who thinks he can fly back into my life, buy me dinner then suck me dry and dump my body at the morgue. He is so not enjoying what I’m becoming. Payback is a bitch for those on the receiving end. And getting payback is my reason for living, or un-living, these days.

MaryM:  What makes you angry?

Kristen: See Number Four above.

MaryM: What is your favorite drink?

Kristen: It’s sure not the Red Juicy anymore. In fact, I’ve gotten kind of phobic. My favorite drink lately is anything liquid alcoholic. Dirty Shamus Irish Cream in great coffee is more than just my breakfast drink—I am a Seattleite, after all. (Mmmmelinda says she’s going to do a video on how to make Dirty Shamus. Should be fun!)

MaryM: What is your greatest fear?

Kristen: I’ll have to think about that one. . .I’m afraid my vampire powers will disappear before I can really enjoy them. At the rate they’re changing, or growing, seems sardonic that they could just disappear one day like my former lover who now claims he’s my master.

MaryM: What do you wear when you go to sleep at night?

Kristen: My dancing-cat-patterned flannel pajamas. Old habits die hard, even in undeath.

MaryM: What is the perfect romantic date?

Kristen: My perfect romantic date is one that I actually have and after which I’m not left for dead at the morgue.

MaryM: When you look at your master Rick what catches your interest?

Kristen: He’s so beautiful, handsome, sexy and undead. Unfortunately, he wants me really dead. I don’t know that we can ever work that out.

MaryM: What is one word that best describes Master Rick?

Kristen: I cannot say that here.

MaryM: Is your book part of a series?

Kristen: Now that I’m undead the confessions will be ongoing if my lust for payback is any indication.

 

MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmelinda: Check back for my how-to video on making Dirty Shamus Irish Crème and more inside info on the Menopausal Vampire’s latest atrocious frolics. Oh, she also tells me she wants to take questions from her readers and that she is willing to tell their fortunes. Groan. You may email Mmmmmmelinda with your questions for the Menopausal Vampire.

THE HAUNTING OF JOSH WESTON Available Worldwide August 20, 2018–TODAY!

Monday, August 20th, 2018

 

Melinda’s new multiple award-winning YA paranormal thriller, THE HAUNTING OF JOSH WESTON, from    The Wild Rose Press is available in eBook and paperback at retailers worldwide. An audio book is coming soon!

 

Blurb After the death of his cousin and his father’s subsequent death in Afghanistan, former star athlete and gifted student, Josh Weston and his mother move to a desolate ranch in the Arizona desert. Josh blames himself for his father’s death and for the shooting of his best friend. Besides giving up on everything he used be great at, he is relentlessly bullied at his new school.Unable to see any way out of his problems, he tries to end it all one moonlit night. Two of the mystical ranch’s ghosts stop him and pull him into dangerous tests of courage and intellect. Josh must learn to draw on his strengths and confront the haunted past that threatens his life and possible future with the beautiful and daring girl next door.

Reviews

Rated: 5 STARS

 “Magical and moving. The Haunting of Josh Weston by Melinda Rucker Haynes is a powerful YA paranormal tale that offers lots of emotional insights and a message of hope to anyone who is suffering insecurities and bad memories. The action is quick-paced as the tension between Josh and the bully builds, but the relationship between Josh and Pete provides a timeless feeling and a sense of love and support that Josh’s mother just can’t provide by herself. With a subtle romantic element, there is just the right balance between the paranormal and the everyday to make the story quite believable and uplifting. Excellent story – kept me glued to the pages! The Haunting of Josh Weston is certainly well worth reading.

 Melinda Hill, Readers’ Favorite Book Reviews

Rated: 5 STARS

“Move over, Harry Potter, there’s a new kid in town—Josh Weston. In the tradition of Roald Dahl and J.K. Rowling, author Melinda Rucker Haynes taps into every kid’s nightmare (bullies who make life hell) and fantasy (making sure they get their due). The reader wants to shout ‘hurray’ at the end of the book. Issues relevant to today’s teen—death, divorce, relocation—are handled in a sensitive manner, validating the feelings of isolation, guilt, and despair. The old prospector, who appears and disappears mysteriously, adds levity while dispensing wisdom. The preaching is left to Mom, who understands better than Josh can imagine. It’s easy to see why this book has twice been nominated Romance Writers of America Golden Heart finalist for Best Young Adult novel.”

Diane Burton, Scribes World Reviews

Rated: HIGHLY RECOMMENDED for ages 8-100!

“ … a twice-nominated RWA Golden Heart Award Finalist for Best Young Adult … full of danger, excitement, ghosts, and some trials of a young boy turning into a young man, the hard way.”

Détra Fitch, HUNTRESS BOOK REVIEWS